Posting this a couple of days after writing. I’ve been a little lost in my head and didn’t want to post in a confused state of mind. I’m all good now!
November 20, 2016 Tonight I did it. I googled Nasopharyngeal tumor. I learned a lot: they usually occur in Asian men who eat smoky meat and/work with formaldehyde, they are linked with Epstine Barr, they can be benign (usually in children), they are successfully treatable, they are hard to get to but operable & they can spread, usually aren’t found until later stages & a person can die. (But not this person!)
This may have been a bad idea. I’m not the Web MD type. I typically ignore symptoms and push on. So, I had a thought, one of many I’ve refused to have since this started, “I want at least 4 more years. I want D to be old enough to remember me, I want time with my babies.” I quickly suppressed it and replaced it with “I want 60 more years! I want to see my great-great grandbabies.” But, it made it through.
I haven’t done anything to deserve my husband. He’s good on any given day, but through this, I’m beyond anything I deserve. Tonight I started having spasms in my jaw & I couldn’t get them to stop. Cary climbed behind me in bed, reclined me back on him and held my jaw in place so the muscles could relax. His touch just settles everything. He’s so strong and warm and safe. I don’t know how to be loved like this, but I’m thankful for the opportunity to experience it.
As I lay here, pain free, listening to him sleeping, tears streaming (but only on the right side b/c the left quit tearing a couple of weeks ago), I hear God say, “That’s a taste of my love. I’m going to show you even more, just watch me!” So I say thank you & I watch.
November 21 Today I haven’t had pain. I felt good all day & evening. I got a phone call from my cousin with a very specific word to declare Psalms 118 over myself. I’m claiming the scriptures!
Shouts of joy and victory resound in the tents of the righteous: “The Lord’s right hand has done mighty things! The Lord’s right hand is lifted high; the Lord’s right hand has done mighty things!”
I will not die but live,
and will proclaim what the Lord has done. The Lord has chastened me severely, but he has not given me over to death. Open for me the gates of the righteous; I will enter and give thanks to the Lord.
It’s so easy to let fear creep in, but it profits me nothing, it only steals my joy today.
My Moto the last few months has become: God is good! He does what he says he will do! I can trust him!
He says I will live. I believe him. I’ve seen his mighty hand act on behalf of friends, family, strangers. I’ve seen withered hands unfold, I’ve seen shoulders healed, I’ve seen backs restored, I’ve seen knees restored, I’ve seen legs grow. I’ve received Holy Spirit’s revelation & wisdom. I don’t worship a dead God. My God is not indifferent! He loves me. He sings over me. He has placed bold believers in my life who stand with me. He heals. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. So I praise him!
This trial is a mere chapter in a book. It’s not the end! In Jesus’s name!