“In less than 48 hours I am abandoning my children. I’m leaving for 6 weeks. I’m not going to be there for them. I’m never there for them. I’m a terrible mom. I don’t pray with them enough. I don’t spend time with them. I suck! What if, what if, what if…”

I used to wake up multiple times a week between 11:30 and 12 panicking that one of my kids was making a horrific life decision, or was moving away from God, or that I’m not doing enough to grow their relationship with him. By “used to” I mean very regularly until about 6 weeks ago. Tonight was my first panic night in awhile & I didn’t handle it well. It sucks.

I went straight for the phones, looking through messages, search histories, Instagram messages. I went straight to accusations and distrust.  It was ugly. What did I find? This is harder on my kids than they are letting on. I have good kids. They have friends who love Jesus and will speak Truth.

Can I share what I’ve learned about these night panics? The only answer is this: God loves those kids more than I do. He has given me authority over them, not only in the physical world, but in spirit as well. His word is the ultimate Truth. All of these things mean that I can pray scripture over them and expect it to directly impact their lives. Tonight, I failed miserably to do this, but I am not bound by that failure. I am reminded of the strategy that works.

Lord, forgive me for believing it is my job to save my children. I’m not God. You are. Thank you for the people who love them & care for them in my absence. I’m thankful for their father & the respect & fear they have for him. I’m thankful for the way he loves them differently than me.  Thank you for the lifelong lessons you are teaching them & the relationships you are building for them as a beautiful consequence to this trial. Thank you that you pursue us before we find you. Forgive me for making myself bigger than I am.  Your promise is that on the days I fail to point out your majesty and wonder, your creation does it! So, I trust you to show yourself to my children in greater measure than I have known you. And I thank you that I will know you even more, by your grace and kindness. Thank you!

Psalms 19:1-6

The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands.   Day after day they pour forth speech;  night after night they reveal knowledge.  They have no speech, they use no words;  no sound is heard from them.

Yet their voice goes out into all the earth,  their words to the ends of the world.  In the heavens God has pitched a tent for the sun.  It is like a bridegroom coming out of his chamber,  like a champion rejoicing to run his course.

It rises at one end of the heavens and makes its circuit to the other; nothing is deprived of its warmth.


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